Nika Dark
Olivia let herself into the building with the key Ray gave her. She rode up the elevator to the seventh floor. She knocked on Ray’s door. He let her in, let her put her things into the usual spot. She came to him, and he hugged her tight, long.
“Can I have some fruit?” she asked once he let her go.
“I told you,” he replied. “You’re at home here. You don’t have to ask.”
Yes, he’d told her. She made herself smile. She’d also told him that she had her own house.
She opened the fridge and looked in the fruit bin. She pulled out a bottle of wine too. She poured one glass; Ray didn’t drink.
“Do you want anything to drink?” she asked him before closing the fridge door.
“No, I’m good. Come sit,” Ray patted the sofa beside him.
“I’m coming. How about a little dessert. Do you want ice cream?” Olivia was in the kitchen, which was seven steps away in the small apartment.
“Ok, that sounds good.” Olivia scooped the ice cream into small bowls. What can she use for a topping? She chopped some chocolate and added strawberry slices.
“Oh wow, that’s a presentation… Are you trying to butter me up?” Ray joked.
Busted, she thought. He saw through her attempts to put him in a good mood. She smiled at him and sat down on the sofa. Ray was facing the TV, watching the news. She waited for him to eat two spoonfuls.
“Ray, listen. I’m going to go home tomorrow.”
“Why, did something happen?” He glanced at her and went back to the tax announcement on the news.
Olivia turned to face him, “No, nothing. I just need time to fix some stuff at my place.”
“I can help you then,” he turned his head to her this time.
“No, it’s ok, it’s just little house chores. I don’t need help, I just need time.”
Ray didn’t move. Olivia waited.
“I knew something changed after we went to the park,” he finally said.
“No, honey. I told you before, I just need a little time to do my own things.”
“You only spend a few days here. I know you have your kids during the weekend and I don’t say anything about that. Fine, you can have your time with your kids, I understand,” Ray emphasized with his hands.
Olivia dug her fingernails into her hand.
“Yes, I have kid time. But currently, I don’t have any me time.”
He turned back to the screen. “It’s because of what I said about the guy running at the park. I knew something changed.”
“What?” Olivia held back her annoyance. “No, it’s not about something at the park.” She took a deep breath. “Honey, we talked about this before. On the weekends I have time with my kids. Then I have work. I come here Tuesday night, and leave Friday, just before they come back from their dad. I don’t have time to even clean my house.”
“You can do things on the weekend. They’re not babies.”
Olivia’s jaw tightened.
Deep breaths, deep breaths, she reminded herself.
“Ray, I have the house too. After I got divorced I didn’t know how to take care of a house, and I kinda let it go for a while. I’m learning now, and I have to catch up.”
“And I keep telling you that I can help you.”
“Thank you. You have helped me,” she took his hand. They were where his age showed the most. Mine will look like that in 15 years too.
“You helped me with painting. I appreciate that so much. But there are a thousand little things to do still. It’s my house. I want to learn to do things on my own.”
“I feel like you’re pulling away from me. You used to leave Friday night, then Friday noon. Now you want to leave even earlier. If we keep going like this, it will only be one day.”
“It’s not one day. It’s still two days.”
“I need you,” he said emphatically.
Olivia was already needed by two children and the bank to pay the mortgage.
Ray was a wonderful man. He was all the things she couldn’t find for so long: intelligent, established, willing to talk about his feelings, and actually into her. Check, check. Wanting to build something together. Check.
He’s mature. Reliable. Stable. He wants to take care of you. Do you want to struggle on your own for the rest of your life?
She didn’t.
He continued. “We have so little time together.”
She took a deep breath again.
“Ray, I do want to spend time together and be with you. We’ve been together ten months and I feel like I’ve given all my free time to you. I just need to do other things too,” Olivia spoke softly.
“To take a walk, take a yoga class…”
“Okay,” Ray said quietly. She didn’t press it. She leaned back into the sofa and sighed.
Olivia came over the next Tuesday, as usual. It was always Ray’s apartment, even though she was tired and wanted to sleep in her own bed.
Ray opened the door without smiling. She put down the bag with her clothes and went for a hug. He put his arms around her, but not as tight as usual. He held her, but let go the second she shifted.
She made tea as usual and they sat down. Ray stared at his cup.
“Did you go for your run?” Olivia asked.
“No.”
“I finished cleaning out the shed on the weekend,” she said.
“Good.”
She plodded on.
“I found more mice in the basement… And I went for a walk yesterday.”
“Did you run into anyone you know?” he asked, not looking up.
“Ya, actually,” she furrowed her brow at the unexpected question. “A woman I used to work with. We chatted a bit.” He looked at her with a blank expression, holding her gaze a second too long.
What the hell?
“These are some of the things for which I need my own time,” she opened again. “Taking a walk,” she smiled.
“And what else?”
“To be alone. Work out. See a friend for coffee,” she shrugged.
Shit normal people do.
She massaged her face, took a deep breath.
“What friends?”
She furrowed her brow. “My friends.” It’s true they hadn’t really met with each other’s friends yet, but obviously, she had friends.
“Men friends?”
Tsk. “If you wanna ask me something, ask me,” she said, annoyed. He didn’t.
“I know you were…thrown off when we ran into that guy I dated at the grocery store in the summer.” She was being gentle. They’d had three fights about it. “Yes, I’ve dated and these people still exist. I’m not upset by seeing them.” The actual encounter in question took all of three seconds. She saw a man, nodded at him, mentioned that they’d gone out.
“I told you I don’t want to talk about that,” he said. It was a little angry.
Deep breath. “But then you ask me about “men” like that! You make hurtful comments, but don’t want to talk about it. I’m not trying to date other people, just maintain some friends other than you.”
She sighed.
“Ray, listen…” She struggled to continue. “You’re making me feel bad for wanting something that everyone has a right to – time for me.” She took another breath and spoke slowly. “I know you have trust issues. I want you to feel comfortable, but to be honest, I feel like I’m being interrogated. Like I have to explain myself to you.”
She took a breath to continue.
“So you’re not gonna tell me what friends?” he cut in, still not looking at her.
“Ray…”
Olivia pressed her lips together. She covered her eyes with one hand.
“You know, I pack up shit every week and drive all the way here, and then sometimes…”
What’s the point?
She waved her hand to show “this happens”. She shook her head. He got like that sometimes.
She needed to go out, get some fresh air. Balcony? No. Out.
She slid her phone in her back pocket and took her jacket.
“Going for a walk.”
Ray rose with her but she held her hand up. He understood and didn’t move forward. On the way out she wound her scarf around her neck, zipped up. She suddenly craved air. She came out gasping. She tore at her scarf to loosen it around her neck. Unzipped her jacket. She inhaled deeply once she was free of restrictions.
She patted her pockets – her car keys were there!
Thank God!
She did a quick assessment: she had her phone; her wallet was in her jacket pocket. She left all her other things at Ray’s…
She realized she had no intention of going back for them.
They’re just things, he can just toss them, she told herself.
My good bra…! She remembered it was in the bag in Ray’s apartment. She didn’t wanna lose her best bra too…
Fuck it.
She turned towards the parking lot.
Such is the price of freedom.
Wild Garlic 