Erin Mckelle Fischer

Dreaming is so much a part of my day


I think of you often, you are a part of my psyche


In this deep and profound way

A madness, a darkness, chaotic infatuation


Have you never thought of what my lips would feel like?

How our bodies, how our souls would mesh?

Could merge?

Even now, 

I wish you didn’t impact me like this, but you do

You inspire great emotion, you possess great depth

I remember watching this clip of you 

Over and over 

Ingraining it into my memory

Your dazzling blue eyes looking into mine

About how you can see my gold

And the beauty that I bring

As you briefly tilt your chin up, in contemplation 

How the history I’m so interested in

Brings context and depth

The way your voice deepened 

As you spoke the word depth

Induced pleasure in me

That is hard to admit

As I sit here and type this

My cheeks now on fire

On a Friday night

In a Williamsburg warehouse

Drinking two types of wine

After a night of inducing a high

I wonder what are these drugs

What is the trauma

What is real 

And what is induced

Why does this memory inspire tears to run down my face

And yet the thought of you now

Feels so empty

It’s like you were never there


Yet, you inspire all of my prompts

You galvanize my creativity

You cause me to go outside of myself

And become something bigger

More grandiose

Bigger

Bolder

Wiser

Tougher

Lighter


I am everything

And also nothing

This I know

Even if I know nothing else


I want to leave

But I have to stay

I want to love

But I have to fight

Otherwise, I may lose myself in you

I may become you

Even more than I already have


I want you to stop me

But I also can’t bear the thought of you doing that

I hope you don’t abandon me

Even when I beg you to run 


I want to leave my body

Depart the earth

And never look back

Let life fade in my rearview mirror

As I move towards the light

Yet, you are here

And ending my life

Would mean abandoning

you

And  

Me 

And you and me


Waking from this dream 

Is what I long for

What I’ve tried so desperately to do, 

But every time I feel myself begin to stir 

I can’t bring my eyes to open


Waking would be

The ultimate betrayal

I don’t think I can bring myself to do


But if and when you’re gone

I don’t know how I can go on